Unholy ko HOLI karde..

The white clean suit of mine is all ready to be hit by colorful water balloons and just for the change you can throw semen filled balloons too because this holy we are breaking all the limits of creepiness, right guys?

If only it was possible for guys to produce colorful semen, I can’t imagine how insanely colorful my Holi would be (Ahh..fuckin pale liquid).

And if it’s still not fun, then cheers to Bhang, basically this will help you to get an excuse to touch a woman (gasp) because such things are usually frowned upon in our sanskaari society full of shuddh Bharatiya naaris who are holier-than-thou (unless you’re a cow).

Feeling disgusted? Arey bhai burana na maano holi hai…

Isn’t this the same punch line that the perverted strangers have been using for decades to attack women on this ‘auspicious occasion’.

I cannot count the number of times a creepy uncle has touched me inappropriately in plain sight or a guy friend has bumped into me, with his hands going to my breasts.

And the worst part is that we’ve normalized it to the extent where we’re made to feel bad about excluding ourselves from Holi celebrations.

It is that day when women can’t head out for a morning walk, or run an errand.

When uncleji on the 13th floor who has been eyeing you in the elevator for the better part of the year – takes license to touch, prod, poke and smear you with his grubby paws.

Let me break it to ya fellas… there isn’t a woman on earth who does not “bura na mano” because “holi hai”.

I see it as National Assault Day.

Because you see, if you don’t *enjoy* and *allow* men – neighborhood men, men you are related to, male colleagues, hoodlums on the street, men you have never met before, met you never want to meet – to touch you unasked for on this day, then you are anti-social.

Grin and bear it ladies, while drunken men do as they please, because the repression of men is so supreme in the country that it needs a day to burst forth like a public mania.

Because consent is not a thing the average Indian male has ever understood. Consent is so not understood that it is celebrated as a national festival.

Or perhaps it is even just that the celebration of spring be merged with the frantic divestment of womanhood in the name of festivities. Is that not what we do to Nature in the name of progress? Bura na mano, progress hai.

Here are some (not so) practical tips to follow if you are an Indian woman who wants to be left alone this festive season because “In rango k karobar main hum feeke hi theek hain”-

Invest in a cow mask. Wear it with the most sanskaari outfit you own.

Chances are, people will even let you lie in the street without touching you. Vehicles will swerve around you. Cos ain’t nobody gonna harm gau-mata, right?

-Wear saffron robes. No one will smear color on you. Coz at the moment, saffron seems to be India’s favorite color or else if anyone approaches you just say-chacha hamare vidhayak hai..

Consent is what needs to be addressed on Holi. Pichkari, gulaal, sexual innuendos are fine only if the person is willing to play with you. Otherwise, do not bully them. Simple.

It’s not asking for too much. All you need to do is be courteous enough to respect another individual.

So, this Holi, keep your pichkaris in check, and fastened in your pants!

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