Where are all the heroes gone, someone asked?
They are all around us.
They may no longer wear masks capes. Which makes them even more special
We have a hero here today.
Someone you know well.
Someone who has gone through a tragic period in life and now for the first time on a public forum shares the bits of it for those who come next.
Last week Dikshi auntie in a once in a life time move has spoken out about how it feels being a divorced woman in India.
Yes, Dikshi auntie has suffered through a painful divorce.
How else can you explain her luminescence? Suffering brings forth the light in us.
I am still finding it hard to imagine the courage she has gathered to take to this step, for the benefit of the audience, for all those who might be going through the same process right now.
Dikshi auntie’s divorce process ended up last December during a process which took an year.
The insights she has shared serve a unique and a very practical perspective inside the phenomena.
You can have a look at the whole video talk.
Below follows a summary of some of the key points put in her own words.
Nobody gets married in order to get divorced.
Women in India who have gone through a divorce are mainly marginalized, labeled, ostracized.
Leaving the village aside, the urban city too has a way to turn against them and subtly put them in the olfactory of doom.
A woman who gets divorced in India is consider a perpetual failure.
She has disrupted the divine institution and for that she ought to be punished.
She gets no second chance.
She’s no longer fit to decide for herself in the eyes of everyone else.
If you know someone who is going through a divorce, please understand that no one is doing it happily. No one has brought this decision easily.
On the contrary. It’s a very hard choice and a very difficult burden.
The most difficult part during divorce is the self-reflection
During the early days of the divorce process one has to wake up and face a new reality every other day.
I could have never believed that such reality can strike me.
I always thought that weird people, rascals are the one who end up divorcing, till I had to face the same thing myself.
You try to get adjusted to the new reality but the next morning always reminds you of yesterday.
You surface up but you have to go and visit the courtroom when the time comes and that’s the most terrible part.
You have to go through the traumas once again. You have to see his face again.
You have to face him and his family again.
All the progress you’ve made in trying to love yourself, in trying to accept your new reality crumble down and you have to start again from ground zero. That’s the terrible part of a divorce process.
The most difficult part after divorce is the ongoing anger and irritability.
There was a sense of relief after the divorce was over and his last name way out of mine. I was a free woman once again.
But nothing is the same again. Nothing will be same again.
For a while I was transitioning into a state of constant irritability. I was getting irritated by the slightest most innocent comments, often getting angry at people for almost no reason. Angry at anyone. Angry at anything.
Later on I got to know that almost every divorced woman goes through this phase.
Other people, even your friends often put you in a box.
Recently I had a coffee sit up with an old friend of mine.
She started talking about someone whom I must meet.
She described that he is young, well groomed good looking, with excellent job – and also divorced.
My blood stirred.
What do you mean by “he is also divorced”?
Am I supposed to date only divorced men from now onward just because I too am divorced?
Do I automatically have no right to date non divorced men anymore?
They think you are desperate
Last Diwali I messaged one of my old friend with a mere Hi and intention to wish him a Happy Diwali.
No response came during the day and the day after and I decided to call him.
He called back and said – Yeah it has been a very happy Diwali indeed, after my wife saw your Hi message and broke into a big fight with me. Thanks but no thanks.
I couldn’t believe my ears.
They think you are easily available
This is particularly the case with younger men who are sort of adding girls on a string of beads.
Dating and having sex with an older woman or especially a divorced one is yet another checkbox for them to tick and a bragging right in front of their friends.
They could not come in a worse period in a woman’s life but they are too many of them these days and it is hard to miss them.
You have to learn to love yourself all over again
With all the incidents, with all the prejudices I’ve have faced I had practically lost my whole self respect.
The most important part for a woman during and after her divorce is to pay serious attention to her well being, grooming and emotional health.
Love yourself. Treat your body as your temple, it will be where your healing will begin.
I had to resort to anti-depressants to keep my stability and will to live.
Later on, I tried spiritual methods and asked for extensive help from my spiritual master.
Do not think much, resort to spiritual practices to surface back up as fast as possible. This is a very dangerous period for a woman going through a divorce which could bring forth whole new set of problems to her.
India just cannot tolerate a single woman
Another friend of mine, all with good intentions told me few days ago that now I should now really think of settling down.
That really disturbed me. What does she mean by settling down?
I have a job I love, amazing friends, a salary. Does that not make me settled? Is marriage always the precursor for settling?
Marriage because society demands it? What’s the thing with settling? It is a social invention, having nothing to do with one’s individual nature.
Despite being well and stable, that’s still not enough for India. No, India insist that a female must always, always, always be married.
My parents may never trust my choices again.
The most difficult part of this ordeal has been putting my parents through all of it.
They were slightly against my marriage at the beginning. But I turned against them. I defended the guy and I fought for him. I believed that we are meant to happen and stay together.
Now after this has happened I’ve lost my face in front of them.
I no longer have courage to come to them with an important decision announcement because they will probably never ever trust my decision making capabilities again.
How will I be able to tell them again in case I’ve found a guy whom I’d marry?
My parents should be awarded a medal as the best parents
I would not have gone through this intact without their help.
They were the ones who urged me to stop partaking the excruciating atmosphere I was facing at my ex-husband’s home. I am so lucky to have them in my life.
We know that so many parents would have done the opposite thing, insist that the girl stays and persevere, be the model woman, the quintessential Sita, self-denying and enduring and waning.
They were boldly stepping with me in the courtroom while I was barely able to breathe there. They were my lost pride, the pride I may never fully recover again.